It's been a strangely full few days since he passed away. I've done a lot of running around, a lot of talking, a lot of eating (my family deals with everything using food) and more biking than I would have expected.

The biking's given me a little quiet time to myself. A chance to think without having to involve my mouth (everyone has a tendency to involve their mouth in the thinking process a little too often). I joined Ben for breakfast on Saturday morning before going through to see the family. They needed a little time to get some of the paperwork sorted out at the hospital. Oddly enough I repeated this ride almost exactly on Sunday morning when Andy and I joined the Pegasus crowd on a breakfast run into Hout Bay, followed by a run over Chapman's Peak (my first time since it reopened; I recommend it) and then over Red Hill. And this morning I went through on the bike to spend the morning with the family and came back via the coast road to be greeted by an oddly misty vista.

We said our goodbye yesterday without ceremony before getting together for lunch. My grandmother asked for an open casket so she could see him one last time. It was difficult to see him. He was always full of life (even if it was in a gruff manner). I'm very much your classic male stereotype (repress, repress, repress) but little tides of emotion keep washing over me. It's usually when I least expect it. Bite down, soldier on. He would have preferred it that way. I only recall seeing my grandfather cry once: when my mother died.

Claire pointed out that something religion gives you implicitly is beginnings and endings. A formal funeral may be a difficult occasion but it brings closure. I'd never considered that. Closure for my family (certainly for my grandfather's generation) involves a meal and sharing stories about their childhood (much of which is less than perfect role model material).

I think the coming months are going to be the hardest, especially for my grandmother. I don't think it's really sunk in yet, and with most of the family down for the weekend it's been busy enough so she's not had to think about it. But pretty soon everyone will have to head home and it will quieten down pretty quickly, and it's then that I think it will difficult.